blinky's blogging attempt

So the blinkie thing is kind of tapering off, i haven't gone looking for them in a while, i haven't made any in a while either....but i found a folder i started at the begining of the craze where i would stick all the blinkies that reminded me of my best friend/sister and while i had these great intentions of finding more and more and making a giant page for her i decided i need to do it now before i forget and she doesn't ever realize how much i love her and how grateful i am she is my blood sister. Love you pixiestix!!!












i'm sure there are many many more out there...but these are the few i saw that caught my eye and made me think in one way or another of someone who means the world to me and never fails to think i am worth more than i am.
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I talked to my brother today, he said, "The thing about you is you're stubborn, if someone tells you not to do something you put your whole self into making sure you do it just to spite them." He was telling me how stupid and lazy i am, that my cfs is made up and all i need is motivation.

First of all i resent him thinking he has a right to tell me what to do or pass judgement on me, second, he isn't the only one in my family who thinks i am just lazy. So how do i explain to people who wont change their oppinion which is always right? How do i explain that this isn't just the tired that comes from lack of sleep? That sometimes i am to tired to breath? That it's not just the tired or the sick, it's the depression and the lack of concentration, and the fears that pile up on me.

The thing is i believedi was nothing but a lazy worthless shell for years and years...and finally i'm getting to the point where i can look at my limitations and understand what they are and accept them....but my brothers and sisters still believe i am just a lazy excuse for a human being and it's messing with my selfworth!!

I've been working on learning things, different programs, html, trying to believe i'm not stupid so that i can wade in and learn something new every day....i've been proud of myself! When i pointed those things out he told me what i was doing was rediculous and childish, that moving back to illinois was stupid, that thinking i would be better able to go to school there is assinine and i needed to just stay in Utah and get off my ass and do what needed done!

In my heart of hearts i know he was trying to tough love to get me motivated, trying to 'tell me like it is' but the problem is he has no idea what it is and no right to push my decisions about my own life aside as stupid. I am so frustrated and angry right now, i was never taught how to be angry and so inbetween bursts of anger i am explaining his reasons and trying to excuse him to myself, but the anger is there!!!

I want to go get in my car and drive back to Illinois right now, i want to use this energy i find myself with suddenly to get on with my life FAR away from my family who will NEVER believe in me no matter what i accomplish. I was right when i left illinois, i felt like i was running home with my tail between my legs and that's exactly how they see it...i ran away because i was stubborn and now that i've proved them right and had to come back here it's time for me to just roll over and let them dictate my life. The only problem with my desire to go is that i don't HAVE a car anymore and i don't have the funds to get back...so i'm trapped and i'm angry and i'm frustrated....and i'm whining...

I had a nap before he called and had such a good dream...such a peaceful dream...but one where all my defenses were down. Have you ever noticed that the times when you are relaxed but in the most vunerable time of your life THAT is when all the shit happens?

My kingdom for a windfall!!! My kingdom for a lot of alcohol!!! My kingdom for a place to be that isn't here!!!! My kingdom for a less drama queen kind of personality!!!!
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Ok boys and girls, blinkies seem like such innocent things when you first see them...other then the annoying flashing they are pretty insignificant things...untill you stare at them long enough for their spell to begin working...they pull you in with the spinning...the spinning...THE SPINNING!!!!

Ok enough melodrama....i had a bad day yesterday and i sat like a bump on the log for the week before that, not learning or doing...letting depression in and looking at hundreds of blinkies wishing i could make something that cool. So my friend gave me a peptalk and a program and sent me to work to learn so that i could supply her with a never ending flow of customized blinkies :D

So sat down and came up with....

which as you can see doesn't look much like a blinkie because the blinking part of it is too dark :( but it was a start....

so i changed a bit and made it this... which was slightly more encouraging.

I messed around for a few more HOURS and ditched the tutorial which didn't tell me a whole heck of a lot and started some trial and error and so to date this is my work of art for the evening....

There is a lot more to it i'm sure, but i only read one tutorial which was rather confusing and limited in it's information, so tomorrow when i can see straight and move my fingers i'm going to go read more and make more...and thus starts my blinkie habbit and if i end up on the streets with a laptop telling people to bow down to the great and powerful blinkie i can't be held responsible.


<---not mine!



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