blinky's blogging attempt

So the blinkie thing is kind of tapering off, i haven't gone looking for them in a while, i haven't made any in a while either....but i found a folder i started at the begining of the craze where i would stick all the blinkies that reminded me of my best friend/sister and while i had these great intentions of finding more and more and making a giant page for her i decided i need to do it now before i forget and she doesn't ever realize how much i love her and how grateful i am she is my blood sister. Love you pixiestix!!!












i'm sure there are many many more out there...but these are the few i saw that caught my eye and made me think in one way or another of someone who means the world to me and never fails to think i am worth more than i am.
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I talked to my brother today, he said, "The thing about you is you're stubborn, if someone tells you not to do something you put your whole self into making sure you do it just to spite them." He was telling me how stupid and lazy i am, that my cfs is made up and all i need is motivation.

First of all i resent him thinking he has a right to tell me what to do or pass judgement on me, second, he isn't the only one in my family who thinks i am just lazy. So how do i explain to people who wont change their oppinion which is always right? How do i explain that this isn't just the tired that comes from lack of sleep? That sometimes i am to tired to breath? That it's not just the tired or the sick, it's the depression and the lack of concentration, and the fears that pile up on me.

The thing is i believedi was nothing but a lazy worthless shell for years and years...and finally i'm getting to the point where i can look at my limitations and understand what they are and accept them....but my brothers and sisters still believe i am just a lazy excuse for a human being and it's messing with my selfworth!!

I've been working on learning things, different programs, html, trying to believe i'm not stupid so that i can wade in and learn something new every day....i've been proud of myself! When i pointed those things out he told me what i was doing was rediculous and childish, that moving back to illinois was stupid, that thinking i would be better able to go to school there is assinine and i needed to just stay in Utah and get off my ass and do what needed done!

In my heart of hearts i know he was trying to tough love to get me motivated, trying to 'tell me like it is' but the problem is he has no idea what it is and no right to push my decisions about my own life aside as stupid. I am so frustrated and angry right now, i was never taught how to be angry and so inbetween bursts of anger i am explaining his reasons and trying to excuse him to myself, but the anger is there!!!

I want to go get in my car and drive back to Illinois right now, i want to use this energy i find myself with suddenly to get on with my life FAR away from my family who will NEVER believe in me no matter what i accomplish. I was right when i left illinois, i felt like i was running home with my tail between my legs and that's exactly how they see it...i ran away because i was stubborn and now that i've proved them right and had to come back here it's time for me to just roll over and let them dictate my life. The only problem with my desire to go is that i don't HAVE a car anymore and i don't have the funds to get back...so i'm trapped and i'm angry and i'm frustrated....and i'm whining...

I had a nap before he called and had such a good dream...such a peaceful dream...but one where all my defenses were down. Have you ever noticed that the times when you are relaxed but in the most vunerable time of your life THAT is when all the shit happens?

My kingdom for a windfall!!! My kingdom for a lot of alcohol!!! My kingdom for a place to be that isn't here!!!! My kingdom for a less drama queen kind of personality!!!!
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Ok boys and girls, blinkies seem like such innocent things when you first see them...other then the annoying flashing they are pretty insignificant things...untill you stare at them long enough for their spell to begin working...they pull you in with the spinning...the spinning...THE SPINNING!!!!

Ok enough melodrama....i had a bad day yesterday and i sat like a bump on the log for the week before that, not learning or doing...letting depression in and looking at hundreds of blinkies wishing i could make something that cool. So my friend gave me a peptalk and a program and sent me to work to learn so that i could supply her with a never ending flow of customized blinkies :D

So sat down and came up with....

which as you can see doesn't look much like a blinkie because the blinking part of it is too dark :( but it was a start....

so i changed a bit and made it this... which was slightly more encouraging.

I messed around for a few more HOURS and ditched the tutorial which didn't tell me a whole heck of a lot and started some trial and error and so to date this is my work of art for the evening....

There is a lot more to it i'm sure, but i only read one tutorial which was rather confusing and limited in it's information, so tomorrow when i can see straight and move my fingers i'm going to go read more and make more...and thus starts my blinkie habbit and if i end up on the streets with a laptop telling people to bow down to the great and powerful blinkie i can't be held responsible.


<---not mine!



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Blinkies have a special place in my heart because..well...i AM a blinky, but more and more it dawns on me that these blinkies are going to end up being my inspiration for blogs from now on...everytime i find a new one i think of stuff to say about it or what it represents or brings to mind...and then again they may just randomly appear because they make me laugh or snort depending on how funny they are....or maybe they make me stop and go 'awwwwwwwwwwwwww'. So without further adu, my favorite blinkies.....


















And now back to downloading and uploading and all those fun loading things i never in a million years thought i would be able to do...and may you all have a blinking goodnight

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this is a test of my blinkie abilities....this is only a test....if this were a real blinkie emergency i would be screaming profanity and throwing my computer at the door...repeat, this is a test of my blinkie ability!






Woo Whoo!!! By George i think it worked!!! She can be taught to fish!!!!
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My fourteen year old niece just became a Cheerleader so this blog is in honor of the cheerleading compatitions i've been to in the two years since she started, and in honor of my life and my friends! Have you ever been to a highschool football game? The little skinny perfect cheerleaders would dance around while the band played something loud and slightly out of rhythm and then in a break the cheerleaders would egg the crowd to scream..."GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!!" and back to the painful music while the other team thrashed the crap out of our 'boys'

Ok so that is how i see my life sometimes, my friends are on the playing field with my family, the crowd is a very disinterested lot of strangers who couldn't care less about what's going on but who intimidate me as i stand out there cheering my head off. The problem is that everyone i love is on that field, but since there are two teams i tend to have a hard time knowing who to cheer for at any given moment...only there are a LOT more than two teams...in fact i don't think there is a team..they are all playing on their own teams. Doesn't matter though, i am standing on the sidelines and i'm screaming my head off trying to keep them going "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" and i see them battling and i want to help, but they are battling each other and so who do i help? who do i cheer for? "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" My sister is fouled out, but my brother is the ref...my friends glare at each other over the ball and i shriek "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" but i'm not sure who i'm rooting for. I try to rally the crowd but even the other cheerleaders are wistless and bored now and i find i'm the only voice screaming "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" and then it's done and i walk onto the field because now it's my turn...

I pick up the football with no idea what on earth i'm expected to do with it, i look up and there are familiar faces glaring daggers at me as i grip the ball and go careening into a group of people, my heart racing and my hands clamy as i start shouldering my loved ones out of my way and feeling on the edge of tears because i'm not even sure which way to run...or what to do when i get there...i feel panic welling up and i start to drop to my knees and let the angry mob that represents my family and friends over take me ....and suddenly, in the distance i hear this voice...it seems so soft but i know the chant well...."GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" and i push onwards because i've got a cheerleader dang it! So i stumble on...it's hard and i tend to get pushed around a lot more than i push back....but that voice keeps me going. Soon there is another voice, this one louder, the two combined make me see more clearly the path to the goal...then another voice...and i feel so strong, invincable...and i push forward.

The thing is...i'm not wining, i CAN'T win but i'm playing and in my head i'm still screaming "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" I may not be able to win, but i can't stop playing because sitting on the sidelines of life sucks, so it's the cheering session or the playing field and someday when i figure out how to be in two places at once i'll do both.

So as i sit here blogging nonsense i say to you...."GO!!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!!"
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I just got back from my nephew's softball game, i started going to his games when he was barely old enough to swing a bat let alone know which direction first base was if, miracle of miracles, he hit the ball that was sitting stationary on a 'T'. He is almost nineteen now and i spent an hour sniffling on the bleachers for the little red headed kid i use to adore, now he's just practically a man and i don't know how i feel about that!!!

After the game was over he came swaggering over to us and in his 'i'm so manly i can't admit i HAVE a family' way he ruffled his younger cousins hair, grinned at all the praise being heaped on him and then asked his mom for money before high tailing it away from all the embarassment that comes with a big family. He's so stinking cute it hurts me, and i just wanted to hug him but i'm not so mean as to take the embarassment to that level so i just beamed at him and walked away with my puppy and a feeling of home for the first time since i got here.

I lose sight of how much i love my family when they are driving me nuts, every single one of them in one way or another make up parts of me and even when i would like to rip off my own arm to beat my sister i have to remember i'm a part of this crazy mixed up family and i can love them without letting myself become the scared, ashamed, slavelike entity of my family unit.

I've been home for over a week, little things are getting to me but as a whole i'm glad i came back...i don't want to stay any longer then i have to but i needed this. I'm scared of trying the independant thing again and failling but i tasted that possibillity and now i will never be content with this life again. I LOVED watching Casey play ball but as i left the game i just felt this cloud settle over me at what i was going home to...a room that makes me cry, a feeling of dependancy that brings on the depression, and a feeling of doom as the days stretch out before me.

So what have i learned? I love my family, i love them best when i have my own space away from them. I have also learned that when you can't think straight your blogging capabilities falter but when you finally get hives and work through your anxiety your brain is filled with things to say and all it takes is a nice long rambling blog to make you feel better. AND i learned that no matter how many months you are away if your father is a channel surfer when you leave he will STILL be one when you come home. ARGGGG!!!!


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so tired you can't think....so tired you can't breath....so tired you can't form complete sentences....so tired you can't blog.....

blog later....but i am back!!! Horay....or something

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