blinky's blogging attempt

my wall of pix....

2004-07-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

So the blinkie thing is kind of tapering off, i haven't gone looking for them in a while, i haven't made any in a while either....but i found a folder i started at the begining of the craze where i would stick all the blinkies that reminded me of my best friend/sister and while i had these great intentions of finding more and more and making a giant page for her i decided i need to do it now before i forget and she doesn't ever realize how much i love her and how grateful i am she is my blood sister. Love you pixiestix!!!

i'm sure there are many many more out there...but these are the few i saw that caught my eye and made me think in one way or another of someone who means the world to me and never fails to think i am worth more than i am.

the thing about me.....

2004-05-28T22:39:00.000-05:00

I talked to my brother today, he said, "The thing about you is you're stubborn, if someone tells you not to do something you put your whole self into making sure you do it just to spite them." He was telling me how stupid and lazy i am, that my cfs is made up and all i need is motivation.

First of all i resent him thinking he has a right to tell me what to do or pass judgement on me, second, he isn't the only one in my family who thinks i am just lazy. So how do i explain to people who wont change their oppinion which is always right? How do i explain that this isn't just the tired that comes from lack of sleep? That sometimes i am to tired to breath? That it's not just the tired or the sick, it's the depression and the lack of concentration, and the fears that pile up on me.

The thing is i believedi was nothing but a lazy worthless shell for years and years...and finally i'm getting to the point where i can look at my limitations and understand what they are and accept them....but my brothers and sisters still believe i am just a lazy excuse for a human being and it's messing with my selfworth!!

I've been working on learning things, different programs, html, trying to believe i'm not stupid so that i can wade in and learn something new every day....i've been proud of myself! When i pointed those things out he told me what i was doing was rediculous and childish, that moving back to illinois was stupid, that thinking i would be better able to go to school there is assinine and i needed to just stay in Utah and get off my ass and do what needed done!

In my heart of hearts i know he was trying to tough love to get me motivated, trying to 'tell me like it is' but the problem is he has no idea what it is and no right to push my decisions about my own life aside as stupid. I am so frustrated and angry right now, i was never taught how to be angry and so inbetween bursts of anger i am explaining his reasons and trying to excuse him to myself, but the anger is there!!!

I want to go get in my car and drive back to Illinois right now, i want to use this energy i find myself with suddenly to get on with my life FAR away from my family who will NEVER believe in me no matter what i accomplish. I was right when i left illinois, i felt like i was running home with my tail between my legs and that's exactly how they see it...i ran away because i was stubborn and now that i've proved them right and had to come back here it's time for me to just roll over and let them dictate my life. The only problem with my desire to go is that i don't HAVE a car anymore and i don't have the funds to get back...so i'm trapped and i'm angry and i'm frustrated....and i'm whining...

I had a nap before he called and had such a good dream...such a peaceful dream...but one where all my defenses were down. Have you ever noticed that the times when you are relaxed but in the most vunerable time of your life THAT is when all the shit happens?

My kingdom for a windfall!!! My kingdom for a lot of alcohol!!! My kingdom for a place to be that isn't here!!!! My kingdom for a less drama queen kind of personality!!!!

blinkieblinkieblinkie

2004-05-22T23:18:00.000-05:00

Ok boys and girls, blinkies seem like such innocent things when you first see them...other then the annoying flashing they are pretty insignificant things...untill you stare at them long enough for their spell to begin working...they pull you in with the spinning...the spinning...THE SPINNING!!!!

Ok enough melodrama....i had a bad day yesterday and i sat like a bump on the log for the week before that, not learning or doing...letting depression in and looking at hundreds of blinkies wishing i could make something that cool. So my friend gave me a peptalk and a program and sent me to work to learn so that i could supply her with a never ending flow of customized blinkies :D

So sat down and came up with....

which as you can see doesn't look much like a blinkie because the blinking part of it is too dark :( but it was a start....

so i changed a bit and made it this... which was slightly more encouraging.

I messed around for a few more HOURS and ditched the tutorial which didn't tell me a whole heck of a lot and started some trial and error and so to date this is my work of art for the evening....

There is a lot more to it i'm sure, but i only read one tutorial which was rather confusing and limited in it's information, so tomorrow when i can see straight and move my fingers i'm going to go read more and make more...and thus starts my blinkie habbit and if i end up on the streets with a laptop telling people to bow down to the great and powerful blinkie i can't be held responsible.

<---not mine!

Ok....

2004-05-21T00:01:00.000-05:00

Blinkies have a special place in my heart because..well...i AM a blinky, but more and more it dawns on me that these blinkies are going to end up being my inspiration for blogs from now on...everytime i find a new one i think of stuff to say about it or what it represents or brings to mind...and then again they may just randomly appear because they make me laugh or snort depending on how funny they are....or maybe they make me stop and go 'awwwwwwwwwwwwww'. So without further adu, my favorite blinkies.....

And now back to downloading and uploading and all those fun loading things i never in a million years thought i would be able to do...and may you all have a blinking goodnight

blinkies

2004-05-20T14:05:00.000-05:00

this is a test of my blinkie abilities....this is only a test....if this were a real blinkie emergency i would be screaming profanity and throwing my computer at the door...repeat, this is a test of my blinkie ability!

Woo Whoo!!! By George i think it worked!!! She can be taught to fish!!!!

GO!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!!

2004-05-11T00:36:00.000-05:00

My fourteen year old niece just became a Cheerleader so this blog is in honor of the cheerleading compatitions i've been to in the two years since she started, and in honor of my life and my friends! Have you ever been to a highschool football game? The little skinny perfect cheerleaders would dance around while the band played something loud and slightly out of rhythm and then in a break the cheerleaders would egg the crowd to scream..."GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!!" and back to the painful music while the other team thrashed the crap out of our 'boys'

Ok so that is how i see my life sometimes, my friends are on the playing field with my family, the crowd is a very disinterested lot of strangers who couldn't care less about what's going on but who intimidate me as i stand out there cheering my head off. The problem is that everyone i love is on that field, but since there are two teams i tend to have a hard time knowing who to cheer for at any given moment...only there are a LOT more than two teams...in fact i don't think there is a team..they are all playing on their own teams. Doesn't matter though, i am standing on the sidelines and i'm screaming my head off trying to keep them going "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" and i see them battling and i want to help, but they are battling each other and so who do i help? who do i cheer for? "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" My sister is fouled out, but my brother is the ref...my friends glare at each other over the ball and i shriek "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" but i'm not sure who i'm rooting for. I try to rally the crowd but even the other cheerleaders are wistless and bored now and i find i'm the only voice screaming "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" and then it's done and i walk onto the field because now it's my turn...

I pick up the football with no idea what on earth i'm expected to do with it, i look up and there are familiar faces glaring daggers at me as i grip the ball and go careening into a group of people, my heart racing and my hands clamy as i start shouldering my loved ones out of my way and feeling on the edge of tears because i'm not even sure which way to run...or what to do when i get there...i feel panic welling up and i start to drop to my knees and let the angry mob that represents my family and friends over take me ....and suddenly, in the distance i hear this voice...it seems so soft but i know the chant well...."GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" and i push onwards because i've got a cheerleader dang it! So i stumble on...it's hard and i tend to get pushed around a lot more than i push back....but that voice keeps me going. Soon there is another voice, this one louder, the two combined make me see more clearly the path to the goal...then another voice...and i feel so strong, invincable...and i push forward.

The thing is...i'm not wining, i CAN'T win but i'm playing and in my head i'm still screaming "GO!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!" I may not be able to win, but i can't stop playing because sitting on the sidelines of life sucks, so it's the cheering session or the playing field and someday when i figure out how to be in two places at once i'll do both.

So as i sit here blogging nonsense i say to you...."GO!!!! FIGHT!!! WIN!!!!"

PLAY BALL!!!!!!

2004-05-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

I just got back from my nephew's softball game, i started going to his games when he was barely old enough to swing a bat let alone know which direction first base was if, miracle of miracles, he hit the ball that was sitting stationary on a 'T'. He is almost nineteen now and i spent an hour sniffling on the bleachers for the little red headed kid i use to adore, now he's just practically a man and i don't know how i feel about that!!!

After the game was over he came swaggering over to us and in his 'i'm so manly i can't admit i HAVE a family' way he ruffled his younger cousins hair, grinned at all the praise being heaped on him and then asked his mom for money before high tailing it away from all the embarassment that comes with a big family. He's so stinking cute it hurts me, and i just wanted to hug him but i'm not so mean as to take the embarassment to that level so i just beamed at him and walked away with my puppy and a feeling of home for the first time since i got here.

I lose sight of how much i love my family when they are driving me nuts, every single one of them in one way or another make up parts of me and even when i would like to rip off my own arm to beat my sister i have to remember i'm a part of this crazy mixed up family and i can love them without letting myself become the scared, ashamed, slavelike entity of my family unit.

I've been home for over a week, little things are getting to me but as a whole i'm glad i came back...i don't want to stay any longer then i have to but i needed this. I'm scared of trying the independant thing again and failling but i tasted that possibillity and now i will never be content with this life again. I LOVED watching Casey play ball but as i left the game i just felt this cloud settle over me at what i was going home to...a room that makes me cry, a feeling of dependancy that brings on the depression, and a feeling of doom as the days stretch out before me.

So what have i learned? I love my family, i love them best when i have my own space away from them. I have also learned that when you can't think straight your blogging capabilities falter but when you finally get hives and work through your anxiety your brain is filled with things to say and all it takes is a nice long rambling blog to make you feel better. AND i learned that no matter how many months you are away if your father is a channel surfer when you leave he will STILL be one when you come home. ARGGGG!!!!

tired.....

2004-05-05T00:33:00.000-05:00

so tired you can't think....so tired you can't breath....so tired you can't form complete sentences....so tired you can't blog.....

blog later....but i am back!!! Horay....or something

what a wonderful day to blog poetry

2004-04-20T19:09:00.000-05:00

This one isn't mine, but it's one i memorized as a child and have never forgotten and as i was thinking about it suddenly it made a lot of sense...suddenly it was about me...

The Little Blue Engine

The little blue engine looked up at the hill,
his light was weak and his whistle shrill
he was tired and small, and the hill was tall
and his face blushed red as he softly said;
i think i can, i think i can, i think i can.

So he started up with a chug and a strain,
and he puffed and he pulled with a might and a main
and slowly he climbed a foot at a time,
and his engine coughed as whispered soft;
I think i can, i think i can, i think i can!

With a squeak and creak, and a toot and a sigh
with an extra hope, and an extra try
he would not stop, now he neared the top
and strong and proud he cried out loud;
I THINK I can, I THINK I can, I THINK I can!!!

He was almost there, when CRASH!!! SMASH!!! BASH!!!!
he slid down and mashed into engine hash,
on the rocks below, which just goes to show
when the track is tough and the hill is rough
thinking you can just aint enough!

-Shel Silverstein

*sighhhhhhh*

When packing never.....

2004-04-20T11:29:00.000-05:00

Never go through old pictures/letters/stories/poetry...for a handful of reasons. The first being you wont get anything done, you get so caught up in what you are looking at time slips away from you and at the end of the day you realize that you've emptied one drawer onto your bed and have to put it back in order to go to sleep. The next reason is if you are sad at all at leaving going through the things you've aquired since arriving will only hammer home the fact that you are sad, and everyone knows you can't pack and cry at the same time! Another reason is that as you go through old pictures and poetry etc. you suddenly get the urge to go blog and if you think crying and packing are hard just try blogging and packing!!! I came across a poem i wrote and while the old me would hide it away and never show anyone except their very best friends...the new me will put it in here just to fill up blog space and then pretend no one has read it. What?!?! So denile isn't good for you...but neither is blog stage fright!

Home.....
I've always known where that was
it was right where my childhood stood
safe in the folds of love
a place, a feeling, a safe haven
where my memories of the past
walked hand in hand
with each moment of my present
and, if i could have been content...
might have encompassed my future
with my discontent i have flung myself away
away from my safe haven
away from my security
away from my excuses
i'm scared
i ran hundreds of miles to find myself
and finding myself i am ready now to run back
i'm failing, with no one to blame but myself
now, more than ever, i hate who i am
but when i think of going home...
for the first time in my life
i don't know where that is
if i turn and run now then i have failed
each day here i spin more and more
out of control
i feel worthless
with no way to take care of myself
and no great desire to try
what does that make me?
lazy?
a coward?
somedays i feel free
with no one watching over my shoulder
and in those moments i am truely happy
somedays i feel trapped
trapped by my own feelings of despair
and in those moments i want to weap
i can't regret being here
and i don't want to leave
but somehow i have to build a home
i have to do it
no one else can
with new memories
i have to carve out a future
heaven help me figure out a way
to go home.....

Now aren't you glad i shared that drival with you? The point of putting it in here was to show what a melodramatic weirdo i am...or maybe the point was that i now find myself on my way back 'home' and i suddenly feel like i'm leaving 'home'. What a fickle person i am...i only find what i want when i leave it and i am bound and determined to change that about myself. I vow to be happy where and when i am...not to look back or forward...not to wish my life away in discontent. I will be happy without conditions....without my famous "if i had money then i'd be happy.." "if i had a car, then i could be happy" ..."if i were married with seven kids and horse, THEN i could be happy"...no more placing conditions on happiness...i vow to be happy with what i have, even if i'm sad at the same time for what i'm losing or have lost.

A new developement for me is the realization that i can be happy and sad at the same time, i'm packing everything and i'm left with this overwhelming sadness especially because i'm home alone and will be until the day before i leave, but i'm not depressed. I burst into tears at the slightest thing, and yet i'm happy. I think perhaps i'm being to wishy washy here, crud i'm rolling my eyes at myself, but it's my blog and i can be wishy washy if i want to :)

Hello and welcome to html gone mad!!!!

2004-04-18T23:58:00.000-05:00

All my life i've assumed i was to0 stupid to learn computer things, i was just an idiot who could type and i was ok with that. Suddenly i got an itch (tyvm ellie!!!) to enter into the land of the htmlers....and what a world it is. I've been learning it off and on for two whole days and i already think in html code waking and sleeping...as if blogging wasn't enough now i have to create webpages in my head alllll day long...and the problem is i don't know how to do enough to finish the creation and so i find myself coming across something i don't know how to do, quite often in fact, and then i have to run to my computer and try to figure it out by myself...if that fails i go look at the tutorial i found...and if that fails i go pick the brains of my friends who DO know all about this junk.

I always thought about going to school but the only thing i could think of that i wanted to do was take pictures, and now suddenly i'm inspired to learn everything i can about coding...and manipulating pictures on the computer...and...and....i'm excitted! I haven't been excitted about learning anything for a long time...i've always felt like if i tried i'd fail, i could never live up to the people around me...and now i have this niggling of hope and it feels good. Especially now when i'm so sad and scared and frustrated about things in my life. I have a plan...kind of...plans are good!

I have this desease called C.F.S. (Chronic Fatigue Syndrom) and i've been learning about it lately, part of the symptoms is this need for orginization and a plan of life...not just of life but a plan of every day, every hour, every minute, and if you don't have that plan you feel like things are spinning out of control. My life has been out of control for a long time now, i thought i had a hold on it but it turns out it's a slippery little sucker and it left me more broken and scared then i was before. But dangit i HAVE A PLAN!!! and it feels good. Now don't ask me what plan it is because i haven't defined it yet, and don't think i'm crazy for letting two days of half-assed html give me some giddy hope, i'm happy (sort of) and i'll just hang on to that with both hands and keep as long as i keep understanding! It's a giddy feeling, letting go of the oppinion that you're stupid and letting yourself learn.....

Simple things...

2004-04-16T23:30:00.000-05:00

Today i went to ride horses with my friend, she boards her horse in the most amazing place...an eighty + year old woman runs it by herself, she has twenty horses and 100 acres of property and she cares for it all alone. Added to that she takes care of half the community and still has time to cook and clean perfectly. When we went up to catch the horses the sun was beating down on the grass and there were two white horses out there that glowed like a dream. When we sadled the horses mine kept nudging me hard to get the cookies he knew were in my pocket, he would nudge me and then look at me as if trying to communicate to the stupid human what he wanted, and to heck with brushing or saddling. When we were ready we walked them out to a round pen so i could mount without losing my horse and then we went out to the field with the rest of the horses and i did a whole lot of steering an animal who wanted to go his own way using commands i'm sure he didn't understand...but oh the sky was blue and perfect and the grass was so green it almost hurt my eyes and i was out with my best friend doing something we have been talking about since the dawn of time and it was good. I kept trying to burn the whole picture into my mind, things that i can recall when i'm gone and need a good memory, and the things i was trying to remember didn't really sink in...instead i think i will never forget the contentment on my friends face, or the opressive heat that felt so good after an endless winter, or the thrill after having a horse who stubbornly refused to turn where i told him to actually respond to me and let me be the boss, or the younger horse i have bonded with following me and making me feel loved, or the sense of peace...just the general feeling of rightness as my head tried to grasp a moment in time of contentment. The little things touch me...in a few years time (or a few days) i wont remember the name of the horse i was riding, or the time of year we rode...i wont remember that this day took eight months to reach, or that we were only actually riding for forty minutes before our bodies gave out...i wont remember much i'm sure but i don't think i will ever forget the sky, or the grass, or the fact that for the first time in many months i felt carefree.

Of course now i'm so sore i can't see straight but i accepted many years ago that if i was going to do something i would have to pay the concequences and riding a horse is worth the pain...and riding with my best friend is worth this pain and more...and i'm going again tomorrow!!! And maybe then it wont seem so much like a dream, and maybe i wont concentrate so hard on the things i must remember, and maybe i'll fall off and break my neck..but what a way to go :)

Ladybugs

2004-04-14T16:43:00.000-05:00

In Utah ladybugs don't bite, they are nice sweet insects and everyone feels almost honored when they land on them. No one kills a ladybug on purpose, it's almost as bad as kicking a puppy. If you find a ladybug you stop what your doing, you gently pick it up, slowly walk it outside and recite the line older than dirt 'ladybug ladybug fly away home, your house is on fire and your kids are alone.' It's a bit twisted, after being so careful with her and her feelings that you should then scare the poor thing to death thinking her family is in peril is a bit mean...But still it's said out of love and you watch the marvelous creature spread her wings and zip off to find the firemanbugs. Ladybugs are adored!!!

Then I came to Illinois in all it's splendor, I loved the trees, the green everywhere, the millions of silos, the barns every five feet, everything was great!! The first day I was here I noticed there were a LOT of ladybugs, they were orange instead of the red I was use to seeing but ladybugs none the less, and I felt a bit like it was a sign that I was supposed to be here! My friend gave me an odd look when I got all soft and tender about them and told me that they bite...Now I'm not an idiot I've held ladybugs a million times and I've NEVER been bitten so I did what any self respecting know it all would do and I nodded and smiled at her and assured myself she was crazy.

As the days passed we went out every day to take pictures of everything that would hold still...And many things that wouldn't...And I continued looking on the ladybugs with a sentimental adoration that was silly and comforting. Then one day I felt this stinging sharp pain on my arm...I looked down and to my chagrin there was a ladybug planted on the very spot that was stinging like heck. The little sucker had bitten me!! I felt almost betrayed, after years of protecting the little buggers and this one just hauled off and took a chunk (albeit a small one) out of my flesh! Of course my friend thought it was very funny, and she later explained that they WEREN'T ladybugs but some form of Chinese beetle disguised as a ladybug. Tricky little suckers!

In the past few months I have learned to hate the things with a red hot passion of a thousand fires and my days of seeing the ladybug as an almost perfect being are over! Not that this revelation is my only reality check since I got here but it's the one that sticks with me...

Catch the blogging bug!

2004-04-14T01:32:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed that everyone, and even some really intelligent dogs, are blogging now? Good heavens who knew that keeping a random journal online where everyone can read it would be the new trend? It's like bell bottoms, and trolls dolls, and banana clips, and slap braclets, and line dancing, and mc hammer....the newest form of following the crowd is blogging. I always was a sheep, so here i am blogging with the rest but i am NOT going to get up and line dance no matter HOW many people tell me it's easy!!! So i'm wondering what will be next...hmmmmmm!

Ok so I sit around all day worrying about what on earth i can find to write about...it's not because i think anyone is even reading it because i did the same thing with my personal journal on stressy days. But seriously, how many of us become slaves of the blog? huh? Am I the only one who ends up with blog guilt? I'm not being funny enough, honest enough, open enough, interesting enough...For heavens sake can you tell i'm a little bit of a freak? Anyway...the question of the night is, "What trend will take the place of blogging?" Anyone? Anyone?

A parrot on my shoulder....

2004-04-12T01:40:00.000-05:00

Did you know that you can have guilt over a parrot? My friends parrot has a plucking problem, he is a beautiful bird but he has a nervous pluck and ends up almost bald. When i first got here i had never even so much as held a bird but little by little he sweet talked me into getting him out of his cage and bonding with him. I hear refrains of 'Be Quiet' and 'Go Away!' as i pass by and i know that it means i'm loved. He comes and sits on my shoulder as i chat most nights and he grooms me endlessly and kisses me to the point of near nausea, and his feathers are growing in! Wretched bird! He is starting to look better and i'm leaving in less than two weeks...and when i go (i am assured) he will start plucking again. I'd take him with me, with or without permission, if i thought he could handle a thirteen hundred mile drive with a sheltie thinking he would make a good chew toy...or if i thought he could make it without his female companion (who hates my guts by the way), but alas Nikki has to stay here and i feel like the lowest form of worm. Even now he is sitting here looking at me and spouting off his favorite phrazes, walking up and down my arm happy as a clam and making me feel guilty....dumb bird!!

For Once and For All....

2004-04-11T23:37:00.000-05:00

I am NOT a polygamist!! Yes i'm a Mormon but i am not married to a man with seven wives, i don't have twelve children, i don't have horns (or if i do i keep them filed to tiny nubs), and i was still very much single when i was fourteen!!!! As a matter of fact i'm STILL single, which yes i'll admit is a bit odd for your average Joe Mormon on the street but it isn't completely unheard of. What kills me is that very intelligent and basically open minded people honestly ask me these questions, some guy in Egypt asked me today if Mormons still marry off their young daughters to older polygamist men. Polygamy hasn't been practiced for many many years in my religion, as far as i know it was never a recognized practice to marry off your fourteen year old daughters, and while we may still be peculiar people i rather resent all the hoopalla being made about Mormons specifically when religion as a whole has it's fair share of oddities.

As I sat here thinking about arranged marriages i took a moment to thank heavens that my dad didn't get the opportunity to choose a mate for me, i can see it now.....in his perfect world i would be married to Tiger Woods only poor Tiger would be white (my dad is just a touch predjudice) but in reality i'd probably be married off to someone useful to him like...you know, the t.v. repairman or the cable guy, even possibly if i was lucky and a very very good girl the mail man. Now i'm not knocking any of these professions but the men who fill the role specifically for my dad are quite a bit older than me and enjoy sitting around for hours talking to my dad about golf, the weather, and the new Super Walmart being built. Also my dad would end up marrying me off for a golf club, or a new remote control....I don't know that i'm doing much better then he would but I at least would hold out for a ring!

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about???

2004-04-10T20:03:00.000-05:00

I've been staying with my friend for the past eight months, partly to help her through her pregnancy and help with her kids, and partly to test the waters of my own independence. Well i failed miserably at the independence and i didn't do so hot at the helping out...but i did pick up some facts of life from her kids.

When you are having a bad day, i mean a really really bad day, when every word that comes out of your own or anyone elses mouth makes you break down in tears, doing the hokey pokey can fix it all! It is virtually impossible to put your whole self in and shake it all about without laughing, and if you can have a three and four year old doing it with you then your whole day is set. It can get deeper then that though, if you listen to the words it actually becomes the framework of life...the best words of advice are in that song if you listen hard enough! You put your right arm in, notice how it doesn't start with your whole self, that's because you can't just jump right in, you have to go in stages and the first natural place to start is your right arm, but for heavens sake don't leave it in there, pull it out and see what happens...then put your right arm BACK in and shake it all about...and if nothing bites your arm off go ahead and stick in your left arm....then your feet.....your hips, though i'm convinced the only life lesson in that is that it's not all about being serious, you have to be silly sometimes and shaking your hips to the hokey pokey is about as silly as you can get! Then you put your head in and whatever other body parts tickle the singer's fancy...but eventually you get to putting your whole self in. You put your whole self in, you put your whole self out, you put your whole self in then you shake it all about...do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about....that's what it's all about! So as a very wise man told me just the other day in answer to my question 'What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?' "Then you put your whole self in and take everything you can out."

But that's not all i have learned from these kids...i've learned that we have five fingers, there is; your thumb finger, your gun finger, your two and three fingers, and your end finger. I've learned that if something gets to hard you just have to yell 'I don't HOW to do it!" I've learned that when you go sledding and fall off the innertube the devistating result is NOT that you feel like your back is broken, it's that your hat flew off halfway down the hill. I've learned that it doesn't matter what story you read as long as you do the voices. I've learned that if the sun comes out it's daytime and any park playing or movie watching you've been promised should be carried out at that VERY moment in time. I've learned that if you're happy and you know it you should clap your hands!

I could go on and on...but i think the most important thing i've learned is that all you have to do is let your heart open and a child will crawl inside and rearange everything you thought you knew and have you wondering why you wasted so much time in an adults world.

Don't mind my child themed blog...i've got to leave them soon and so most of my thoughts are centered around how much i'm going to miss them....

a blog by any other name is a journal....

2004-04-10T02:19:00.000-05:00

Ok first of all...who on earth came up with the term 'blog'??? I must be really backwards, i only heard of blogging about two months ago and it took me the whole two months to find someone who explained that it was an online journal of sorts. My first thought was, "Well *I'm* not going to blog diddlysquat, i'm not sharing my rantings with random people online! My journal will stay tucked underneath my matress in a notebook thankyou very much!" and as you can all see my resolve lasted SUCH a long time.

So now my dillema is, what on earth does one write about in ones first blog?

I'm kind of oppinionless at the moment, i'm getting ready to move back to my parents house after eight months of semi freedom so i'm a stressed out blogger. I'm in the stages of, "I have so much to do and so little time..." but i'm still sitting around doing nothing, maybe hoping that it'll all go away? Or possibly i'm packing mentally first and THEN i'll get around to the physical stuff. Very possibly i'm just trying not to get emotional about all i'm leaving, and all i'm going back to....

Living with ones parents at 25 is not recommended, i love my parents but parents have an image of you that doesnt' change. You will always be the same person to them, and when you are dependant on them it's even worse. Men and Women who are strong and independant, with decision making skills, talents, strength of will, these same Men and Women regress into their teenage selves as soon as they live under the same roof with their Mothers and Fathers! You get back the petulance, the insecurity, the selfishness, and for some of us you also get the despare, the need to hide who you are in order to please, the feeling of suffication...it's not a good situation to get into. And so of course that is exactly the situation i'm diving back into, for various reasons.

Anyway, enough for now...i'll blog again when i actually have something blog worthy